Wednesday, October 8, 2008

I went!

So, I ended up going today.

I had to lie to my roomates to where I was exactly going, due to the amount of bullshit they would have given me. I showed up at the hall, nervous, not knowing what to expect, smoking what seemed like a mile long cigarette. There was about 8 to 10 people outside, all different ages, men, women. Everyone seemed to know everyone else. I'm not really a person to go up to a someone and say hi. But, there was a guy there about my age, and smiled at me, and came over and introduced himself. It was great to kind of break the barrier. About 5 minutes after that, I walked in the doors, and sat down. The room was like the rooms where I had bible school when I was young, it brought me back. There were two speakers, one of which was the gentleman who came up to me earlier that night. Once everyone was inside, they asked if anyone was new here. I raised my hand, and he asked what my name was. I said my name, and everyone said "hi Kyle". That made it feel like I was in a place with people who had a similar problem as I do.... alcoholism. A little later that night, they handed out the coins. I received my first one.. the 24 hour coin. Then I turned around to the crowd, and said "Hi, I'm Kyle and I am an alcoholic" I never thought those words would come out of my mouth. And as cliche as it sounds, it was like a ton of weight off my shoulders. After that, we had open discussion. It was strange to hear some of the stories of the speakers, due to the fact that I could have been up there telling the same story. How they have hurt family members, friends, peers, etc. I was pretty nervous, so I didn't end up speaking. I regret it now, because I'm sure that would have helped break the ice with the others. Also, I just would like to get some things off my shoulders. Another thing I regret is not raising my hand for a sponsor. I'm uber-independent, and for some reason I think I can do this myself. Im not really sure what a sponsor does, or if I need one. Also, there was lots of talk about a big book, I think I need to find one of the books to read.


All in all, it was great to take the first step in recovery. I know I have a long, hard fought battle ahead of me, but I know that my sobriety will not only benefit me, but my family and friends also.

I'm actually looking forward to going tomorrow, and will try to be a little more open, and talk to more people.

Im actually looking forward to going tomorrow.

thanks for reading,
Kyle

18 comments:

Shadow said...

hey kyle! well done!! and keep going to those meetings. i like your blog name btw...

Syd said...

Kyle, I'm glad that you went. There are those there who have done everything you've done and more. There are low bottoms and high bottoms but what matters is that they will share their experience, strength and hope with you.

The Big Book is the book Alcoholics Anonymous. It is like the "bible" for AA. And a sponsor is a guide for you through the steps. It was helpful to my recovery to have a sponsor, someone that I could call, work the steps with, and share things with (like Step 5).

All this is new to you right now but you have made the biggest and most courageous step--to walk through the door to an AA meeting. Good for you.

ws said...

It gets better. Sponsors help even the most independent ones...

Mary Christine said...

Keep coming back! Someone can help you get a big book... ask at the next meeting.

The sidebar on my blog has a link to an online version of the big book.

Banana Girl said...

Kyle,
Welcome to the greatest group of people you may ever meet. Not in the sense of greatness, but in the sense of selfless recognition and reverence for the fact that you just made the most important decision of your life: You decided to save your own life through the help so freely given in the rooms of AA. Syd is right, you will meet all kinds of people who just like you struggle with this disease. Thank you for coming, you helped my sobriety today.
Do not be too hard on yourself. The regrets you spoke about, not sharing, etc. are not important right now. Just by walking in the door you have already shared the most important part of you, your presence. By doing that you have helped me today by reminding me what I felt like when I first walked through the doors. I need to remember that. It keeps me on the right track, not drinking. It reminded me that I too felt that when I announced that I was an alcoholic for the first time, I had that same bag of burdens lifted. I knew I was no longer alone, feeling things I didn't understand, doing things I didn't like, generally trapped and confused by a substance that would ultimately kill me. It almost did. You are not alone. You are among real friends who really care. Just keep coming back. It is worth it. You are worth it. All you have to do is want it. Have a good sober day. All things are possible.

Kathy Lynne said...

Oh Kyle! My eyes are filled up with tears right now. I was there not so long ago. I remember my first meeting vividly and all of the first ones. Good for you for getting that chip. I couldn't do it the first time. What! Get up in front of all those people. But the woman next to me kept urging me to do it so I promised her I would get one the next time..which helped me to get to the next time. I will always and forever be grateful to her. Just as I'm sure you feel about that guy who came over...breaking the ice. That's how this thing works.

You keep coming. It only gets better and better. Thank you for sharing your journey here.

Cat said...

My husband was given the BB at his first meeting I was grateful the meeting supported that - and he has stayed ever since - almost 365 days now.

I just began my al-anon meetings so I can certainly understand the apprehension in doing something so foreign and new.

Stick with it!

Cat

Patty said...

Hi Kyle! I am an alcoholic and my name is Patty, welcome to the fellowship! Great for you! Got that first meeting under your belt! No regrets. I am very happy for you.

Hope said...

Doing a happy dance for you here!

hpydstny said...

Welcome Home Kyle.
I get tingly when I hear stories of peoples first meeting. I am grateful you made it in the door. Ask for a sponsor and a Big Book at your next meeting. It was what saved my life, even thought I didn't want a sponsor AND didn't like to read the Big Book. Today, my sponsor guides me through the steps living sober and the Big Book is our guide.

Lou said...

Hi Kyle, these folks got your back!

veganmama said...

This is good stuff -- you'll never have to go to your first meeting again, and I *promise* that everything that doesn't make sense now? One day you'll go to a meeting -- maybe your 10th and maybe your 110th -- and you'll realize that all the cliches and things people said that confused you are things you KNOW in your heart.

If you ask about a big book, someone will help you get one. There is also -- as Mary Christine mentioned -- one available online.

Keep coming back, my friend. :)

J-Online said...

Hey Kyle, Yes, you did it! Very well done. For me, what you did last night was the hardest part. There will be many ups and downs, but my new life is so much better then where I was at while I was drinking. Congrats on a wonderful start.

William said...

Hey Kyle good luck to you! I wish I had attempted to get sober at your age. I continued for another seven years. Don't drink, go to meetings and your life will get better in spite of yourself. That's what I was told at my first meeting on 10/28/89 and I haven't had the need to drink again. I found out that I didn't have to do it alone and you will too...but only if you keep coming back.

KarenR said...

Way to go Kyle. You'll get better, and it will get easier. Just one day at a time.

Kyle said...

I just wanted to thank you all for your support!

almulou said...

and I want to thank YOU for sharing your experience with us!!!

Good job!

Almudena

AlkySeltzer said...

Scared Sober is maybe better than Scared Drunk--at least now you KNOW you're scared, and you're already doing something about it. Good! Keep coming back, and soon you might even change that name to something other than "Scared Sober"...like "Another Sober Guy"...who knows? Not ME!