Saturday, October 11, 2008

Sober Saturday

Well, just got back. Still sober. I was going to give a big drawn out description if the party, but I don't feel like it.

Ugh.. what to write.

I can be a strong person. I don't depend on people to help me at all. Weather it be, a few dollars for lunch, or a ride to work. I fix myself, and my situations. I've always been like this, as far as I can remember. I know for this to work, I need moral support. I know this. When I read some of the comments, about calling so-and-so, that shit hurts. It's like no one is giving me a chance. I was around alcohol ALL NIGHT LONG! I drank an energy drink, water, and coffee. Don't get me wrong, the buffet of bottles, were tempting as hell, but I'm head strong. I don't want to tuck my tail in between my legs. Part of me says, "I can do this myself". But, in the back of my head, I know I need to find a sponsor, and I know that I need to start reading the book.

I don't know, Im in a bad mood tonight. I really wanted to drink. And Im sure some of you, in the back of your hair said, well, This is it for that one new sober blogger kid. And personally, I hope people keep saying that. It makes me want to go one more hour, one more day, one more week. Speaking of week... It will be one 1 week on Monday. I wish they gave a chip out for that. LOL. I'm addicted to that 24hr chip. Take it everywhere.

Thanks for reading,


So... This is what Saturday morning looks like....

Wow.. beautiful day today. I needed some coffee and cigs this morning so I headed to the local circle K. Windows down, music up, streets were empty. I can't recall the last time I didn't sleep in, nursing a hangover on a Saturday. Or waking up, looking for the first beer to "quench" my thirst. I think I Want to start playing basketball again. I played in high school. When your 6'7", you tend to be drawn to things like basketball. haha.

Yesterday was rough, the hardest time I've had so far. Everyone I know was at Adams birthday party at the local Irish bar. I needed a meeting BAD! Everyone left at about 6:00 pm yesterday, and I knew exactly what they were doing, and it was killing me. I showed up about 30 minuted early, just to get the hell out of the house. That was really good. It settled me down. The meeting was was on my favorites so far. A lot of "Seasoned veterans" were there. There was a gentleman who was celebrating 13 years. 13 years! I mean, that's impressive. Anyways, I hung out after the meeting last night due to the fact that I knew if I went home it would have been bad. Sitting outside, smoking a cig, an older gentleman by the name of John came up to me and he asked me something. He asked me if I was scared. Know what I said to him? I told him "shit yeah!" And I am, I'm scared of the unknown. He talked to me for about 20 minutes, and the other speaker came out of the hall, and we were just hanging out. A good, sober, adult conversation. Then it kind of clicked for me. These people are here for help, and I have ABSOLUTLY nothing to be scared about. The other gentleman (I forgot his name) and I were hangin out and I asked him where I could find a big book. HE looked suprised, and said something along the lines of "DON'T MOVE!". He ran to his car, and grabbed it. And then John came back up as soon as he was dropping the book off, and he smiled at me, and said, "thats your bible Kyle." I nodded me head with a face full of smile. John grabbed the book from me and wrote his number down inside the front page. He told me to call him right before I had a drink. Soon after than I left. The house was empty, so I watched a movie... that's right, I watched a movie an a friday night. LOL. And a cheesy one to boot. "Say Anything" good movie, for a chick flick, I guess. About 10 minutes after the movie ended, I hear a knock on my door. I was 2 femal friends of mine. They showed up with a 24 pack of beer, and asked if I can help Mike out of the car. He was fucking shit faced! puking all over the place. While I was dragging his ass out of the car, he looked at me with those glazed over, half shut eyes, and said to me it that high pitched voice of his "Hey Kyle... I heard your sober" and replied with a yes, and he told me "man, I'm fucking jealous" and gave me a hug. Now, I know he was drunk, but the fact that a friend of mine gave me props for being sober, meant a lot. The one friend I told that I was going to meetings, who I told to keep it a secret or (on the downlow, as us young guys call it) thought it would be great to tell the whole table, which was 15+ friends deep, that I've been going to meetings. Not very cool IMO. Anyways, to get back on track, I took my DVD player, back in my room, turned up the volume, and locked the door. A few random people would knock on my door, but I didn't answer.

Today I'm going to my dad's party in chandler, which is about 40 min. away. I havent told him yet that I stopped drinking, but I think tonight I will. All of my uncles/aunts/dad's friends all know me as the guy who will get drunk, and more than likely make an ass out myself. I asked Jhn, if it was a good idea to go to this party, and he said no. But, I think I need to test myself to make me stronger. I was able to do it last night, and if I can do it tonight, then I'm on the right path. Should I tell my dad tonight that I'm getting sober, or should I just let it go, and tell him at a more approriate time? Im leaning torwards tonight, so he or my family, won't keep asking why I'm not driniking.

God, this is a long one. Im going to a non meeting today, this will be my 4th one straight.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

2nd meeting - 4 days sober.

Today's meeting was a small one. 5 people total. It was also a little odd. The speaker played about a 20 min. audio clip to the 5 of us. The guy on the clip was an older gentleman who was obviously from the south. Personally, I didn't know what the hell he was speaking about, due to the fact that I couldn't understand his southern dddrraaaaawwwwww. SO that was pretty damn boring. But the open discussion was a lot better. I learned a lot about the 4th step and how that will be one of the hardest parts of sobreity. I still don't completley know what that means, or how to "work" that step. But Im sure the more meeting I go to, the more I Will learn. I ended up speaking tonight. I was really nervous, and didn't REALLY know what to say, so I ended up taking snip-it's of what the others have said, and morphed it into a 1 minute speech. To be honest, I started getting a little choked up. It was strange, it's like I've been wanting to tell someone about my problem for so long, and it finally came out. It felt good. After the meeting was over, I thanked the speaker and asked him where I could find the big book. He pointed me in the direction if some book store. I think Ill just read it online since I sit at my computer desk the majority of the day anyways. The meeting was over, and instead of just leaving as a light up a smoke, I hung around a few minutes. A guy who was in the meeting came up to me, introduced himself and we spoke. He spoke of his job, I spoke of mine. After that, 2 women who were at the meeting joined the conversation. It was a good feeling to be a part of something. All in all, it was a good meeting, I got to open up and actually say something.

On the downside, it seems like every time I leave a meeting, I want to drink more. Not because it's the topic of the conversation, but that I can't. Is this a normal feeling? Secondly, my hands are getting crazy shaky, and sweaty. Im guessing I'm having some withdraw symptoms.

Tomorrow is going to be a big test for me. For the past "x" amount of years, I've been doing the the same thing. Friday: get off work, buy beer, get drunk, go out, get wasted, pass out. And do the same on saturday, and sunday. I can't remember the last weekend where I didn't end up completly shit faced. My "drinking crew" is heading out for my good friends birthday party and they are all expecting me to go. I'm sure I will piss some people off by not going out. There is a meeting tomorrow night about the time they will be leaving, so I think I'll sneak out, and head to that to help rid the urges.

Ill go ahead and wrap it up, but 1 more thing to say.

Thank you all for being so damn supportive! I mean, this is only my 4th blog and I have 10 followers, and like 17 comments on my last blog! Gives me a big stupid looking grin on my face. I can't tell you how much that has helped me.

Thank you for reading,


Wednesday, October 8, 2008

I went!

So, I ended up going today.

I had to lie to my roomates to where I was exactly going, due to the amount of bullshit they would have given me. I showed up at the hall, nervous, not knowing what to expect, smoking what seemed like a mile long cigarette. There was about 8 to 10 people outside, all different ages, men, women. Everyone seemed to know everyone else. I'm not really a person to go up to a someone and say hi. But, there was a guy there about my age, and smiled at me, and came over and introduced himself. It was great to kind of break the barrier. About 5 minutes after that, I walked in the doors, and sat down. The room was like the rooms where I had bible school when I was young, it brought me back. There were two speakers, one of which was the gentleman who came up to me earlier that night. Once everyone was inside, they asked if anyone was new here. I raised my hand, and he asked what my name was. I said my name, and everyone said "hi Kyle". That made it feel like I was in a place with people who had a similar problem as I do.... alcoholism. A little later that night, they handed out the coins. I received my first one.. the 24 hour coin. Then I turned around to the crowd, and said "Hi, I'm Kyle and I am an alcoholic" I never thought those words would come out of my mouth. And as cliche as it sounds, it was like a ton of weight off my shoulders. After that, we had open discussion. It was strange to hear some of the stories of the speakers, due to the fact that I could have been up there telling the same story. How they have hurt family members, friends, peers, etc. I was pretty nervous, so I didn't end up speaking. I regret it now, because I'm sure that would have helped break the ice with the others. Also, I just would like to get some things off my shoulders. Another thing I regret is not raising my hand for a sponsor. I'm uber-independent, and for some reason I think I can do this myself. Im not really sure what a sponsor does, or if I need one. Also, there was lots of talk about a big book, I think I need to find one of the books to read.

All in all, it was great to take the first step in recovery. I know I have a long, hard fought battle ahead of me, but I know that my sobriety will not only benefit me, but my family and friends also.

I'm actually looking forward to going tomorrow, and will try to be a little more open, and talk to more people.

Im actually looking forward to going tomorrow.

thanks for reading,

Drive by

Short day at work today, so I decided I'd drive by the meeting hall to make sure where it was. There were two younger gentlemen outside smoking a cigarette. Then it occured to me, I'm going to tell a room of complete strangers that I'm an alcoholic, and that I have no self control. I'm scared stiff that people (random stranger) that I have never met, and that have never met me, will look down upon me for throwing in the towel. Ive always been uber self-conscious about what people think about me. I have EXRTEME agoraphobia. What that means is that I hate being in places where I don't feel 100% comfortable. It is an anxiety disorder, and they only way that I have coped with it in the past was to drink. Example: I love music and going to concerts, but anxiety sent is to the point where my chest tightest up to the point of pain, I sweat bullets, and start shaking. I immidietly go to the beer tent, drink a beer or 3, and then before I know it, Im buzzed enough to help me relax. I refuse to get on medication, and it has got better over the years with the "fight, not flight" meathod. But I know that as soon as I get anxious again, it is going to be extremly hard to not start drinking. That is just ONE of many excuses that I am worried about. Im still going to my first meeting tonight in hopes I can get help.

thanks for reading,

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

The end of the end

Wow.. Im actaully writing a blog?

First off, I would like to thank you for taking a look at this. Let me tell you first off, that I am in no way an author, a writer, or a spell checker. So, with that out of the way, let's continue.

In this blog, I will show you how a 26 year old male will attempt to get sober, through the means of alcoholics anonymous. Now, I could write for days upon days about how and why I have come to this decision, but due to certain things that have occured in my life, there is no better time than now. I'm going in this completly blind, so of course I'm a tad-bit scared.

I live in a house with 3 roomates. All of which are guys who love to drink. Just about every Friday, Saturday, Sunday, 1 or all of us is drunk. My place of work has beer easily accessible, and just about every social event I attend includes alcohol. So, needless to say, I need to make some BIG changes in my life.

So heres the deal....
I'm already liking this blog thing, and can tell that it is going to become a bit habitual, even if no one reads it.

The end of the end:

I will be attending my first meeting tomorrow night at 8:00 pm.