Today's meeting was a small one. 5 people total. It was also a little odd. The speaker played about a 20 min. audio clip to the 5 of us. The guy on the clip was an older gentleman who was obviously from the south. Personally, I didn't know what the hell he was speaking about, due to the fact that I couldn't understand his southern dddrraaaaawwwwww. SO that was pretty damn boring. But the open discussion was a lot better. I learned a lot about the 4th step and how that will be one of the hardest parts of sobreity. I still don't completley know what that means, or how to "work" that step. But Im sure the more meeting I go to, the more I Will learn. I ended up speaking tonight. I was really nervous, and didn't REALLY know what to say, so I ended up taking snip-it's of what the others have said, and morphed it into a 1 minute speech. To be honest, I started getting a little choked up. It was strange, it's like I've been wanting to tell someone about my problem for so long, and it finally came out. It felt good. After the meeting was over, I thanked the speaker and asked him where I could find the big book. He pointed me in the direction if some book store. I think Ill just read it online since I sit at my computer desk the majority of the day anyways. The meeting was over, and instead of just leaving as a light up a smoke, I hung around a few minutes. A guy who was in the meeting came up to me, introduced himself and we spoke. He spoke of his job, I spoke of mine. After that, 2 women who were at the meeting joined the conversation. It was a good feeling to be a part of something. All in all, it was a good meeting, I got to open up and actually say something.
On the downside, it seems like every time I leave a meeting, I want to drink more. Not because it's the topic of the conversation, but that I can't. Is this a normal feeling? Secondly, my hands are getting crazy shaky, and sweaty. Im guessing I'm having some withdraw symptoms.
Tomorrow is going to be a big test for me. For the past "x" amount of years, I've been doing the the same thing. Friday: get off work, buy beer, get drunk, go out, get wasted, pass out. And do the same on saturday, and sunday. I can't remember the last weekend where I didn't end up completly shit faced. My "drinking crew" is heading out for my good friends birthday party and they are all expecting me to go. I'm sure I will piss some people off by not going out. There is a meeting tomorrow night about the time they will be leaving, so I think I'll sneak out, and head to that to help rid the urges.
Ill go ahead and wrap it up, but 1 more thing to say.
Thank you all for being so damn supportive! I mean, this is only my 4th blog and I have 10 followers, and like 17 comments on my last blog! Gives me a big stupid looking grin on my face. I can't tell you how much that has helped me.
Thank you for reading,
Kyle
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13 comments:
I remember wanting to drink after my first few meetings. I think it is just like you said: knowing that you can't makes you want to more. It took a while for this to pass.
On the weekends, I try and keep myself busy with meetings and other things I enjoy. I had to figure out what I really liked doing other than drinking. It was a very though time, but gets better.
hey! i went to rehab, and i had (have) my blog, which i use(d) as my 'meeting'. and i too thought about drinking while doing this. and i thought for a while to just not blog and think about it, then it would be easier. and it isn't. i gets harder. since once again, there's something you are trying to hide, not think about, not deal with. so, rather think about it, and find ways of dealing with the thoughts and staying aware of the dangers, and the chances of staying sober will increase hugely. i'll be holding thumbs for you this, your first, weekend sober.
Stay strong.....you can do it! (not that I've been there, but I just want to offer my support). Please keep us posted!
Hi Kyle, If you are in a metro area, just keep going to meetings until you find the place where you just know you are "home". I guarantee it will happen.
Someone sent me this link to send to you. It is an AA pamphlet about sponsorship: http://www.aa.org/pdf/products/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf
Some meetings really are better than others, so just keep going. Those physical feelings will pass, but remember them... they will serve you well when you are thinking about having a drink.
Hang in there.
It's one day at a time Kyle. Like the BB says, I can do something for one day that would appall me if I had to do it for a lifetime. Some days it is a half hour or 15 minutes at a time.
Get to a couple of meetings a day if you feel the urge to drink. The more meetings and the more immersion in AA the better IMO.
Great job on 4 days! I remember how hard weekends were for me at the beginning. My suggestion to you is to go to alot of meetings over the weekend. Go to several in a day if you feel the need. Get some phone numbers so you can call to talk things through.
And finally, remmember take it one day at a time. Hell, one minute at a time.
Hey Kyle..good for you. Don't worry about choking up..basically I cried for the first 3 months:) And like MC said the physical feeliings will pass. Just go to as many meetings as you can..that will help. Keep talking. Keep coming here and write about it. Sweets might help with the craving...have a pocketful of hard candies. Some of the bigger meetings may hand out free Big Books so keep asking for one. You'll hear about the steps ahead of you but try not to get ahead of yourself. Right now you are just trying to stay sober...and that means not drinking.
Kyle,
I really don't have any advice better than what the others have already posted. I would add something that I heard long after my cravings went away and it was: Remember that your first thought or impulse is probably wrong. Get a phone list and call someone and ask them. They will listen and give you the straight scoop. Also when I couldn't attend a function when it was about drinking, I would just tell my friends that a family commitment came up. I didn't have to explain any further. WELCOME TO THE NEW FAMILY! HANG IN AND HANG ON. BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY: It is totally without question worth it!
Yeah!
We are proud of you!!
A hug from Escanaba, Michigan
Almudena
My husband had the shaky hands thing for about 2 months after his last drink - it was pretty scary for him, as I imagine it may be for you. He made it through with no other symptoms than dreaming about drinking and then waking up in a cold sweat thinking he had actually fallen off the wagon.
Congrats on the 4th day - you are doing it!!!
Cat
Welcome to the sober blogging community, Kyle! For the record, for those of us that southernly blessed, it's appropriately called a drahhhhwilllll. *EG* Keep going to your meetings, you'll find that each time you go, you leave with more than you gave. Sobriety is a wonderful adventure. Stay strong and I'll be thinking about and praying for you this weekend.
Hello Kyle.
Keep us posted. That way you'll write a blog every day!
Along with reading Big Book, working steps, attending meetings,that is another tool in my toolbox to use. It uses time, and keeps my mind focused on staying sober.
Remember, no matter what type of AA meeting--they ARE sober, and right now, that's what you want.
All, I have never "blogged" before, and other than writing a message that others can see,
I don'tknow what blogging even is. I do know I have enjoyed reading what Kyle has to say and several others. I am sober for 10 days today, as qitting drinking was my New Year's resolution this 2009. I have not been to an AA meeting yet, in fact most people, including my wife, don't even know I am quitting. I think she knows I am taking some time away from drinking and in my mind that is what I am doing. My goal is 6 months. I think if I go that long and see all the benefits that sobriety brings me, I will want to keep going. This is probably all wrong in the AA definition of hw to quit bt it works for me mentally. each day of these past ten has had moments within it that have been excrutiating. I even stopped at the liquor stor one day and walked around looking at all the displays of beer and wine and liquor and literally feeling like a kid in a candy store, but I left with a six pack of N.A. beer and drank one immediately upon getting home and this miserable, gnawing, craving passed. Will that ever go away completely or at least diminish considerably? I have leveraged exercise to help keep me away. I am getting stronger very day and I love it. I ran 5 Boston marathons as a functioning alcoholic and
I just think how good I will be at it without alcohol and pot, and it makes me excited. I get high off exercising and being healthy, so that is what keeps me going. I want to do this without AA. I hope I am not rejected by this crowd for feeling that way. We have so much in common and I would like to blog here daily or when I can. I hav three kids and am currently unemployed and looking. This job loss has nothing to do with alcohol. In fact there was no tragic "event" to predicate my quitting but I just figuured I would quit while I was ahead, before something bad happened. I
was hiding it, craving it daily, thinking about it a lot. I tried to quit Dec 1, and failed on Dec 12. I had about 8 drinks over the next 11 days so, definitely cut way down, but then on Xmas eve, I was with family and drinking aggressively, unbeknownst to me at the time. Looking back, no one else was drinking aggressively like I was. I was pounding them down, one after the other, as though I could not wait to finish one and have another. WTF was that? It pisses me off that I cannot just have a few, but I have accepted that and know I need to quit. Everything in my life is positive withot alcohol. I know nothing good ever came from it either. I plan to keep reading here and will post when I can.
Steve
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