Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Drive by

Short day at work today, so I decided I'd drive by the meeting hall to make sure where it was. There were two younger gentlemen outside smoking a cigarette. Then it occured to me, I'm going to tell a room of complete strangers that I'm an alcoholic, and that I have no self control. I'm scared stiff that people (random stranger) that I have never met, and that have never met me, will look down upon me for throwing in the towel. Ive always been uber self-conscious about what people think about me. I have EXRTEME agoraphobia. What that means is that I hate being in places where I don't feel 100% comfortable. It is an anxiety disorder, and they only way that I have coped with it in the past was to drink. Example: I love music and going to concerts, but anxiety sent is to the point where my chest tightest up to the point of pain, I sweat bullets, and start shaking. I immidietly go to the beer tent, drink a beer or 3, and then before I know it, Im buzzed enough to help me relax. I refuse to get on medication, and it has got better over the years with the "fight, not flight" meathod. But I know that as soon as I get anxious again, it is going to be extremly hard to not start drinking. That is just ONE of many excuses that I am worried about. Im still going to my first meeting tonight in hopes I can get help.

thanks for reading,
Kyle

4 comments:

Kim A. said...

Hey Kyle--I am a grateful member of Alanon and a little internet bird said you were going to attend your 1st A.A. meeting today. I have an 18 y.o. son who is out there and chooses not to call me. I am grateful to Alanon for teaching me how to love and let go. It is by hearing of stories like yours that give me hope that my son's HP will guide him into the rooms one day. One day at a time--kiddo...

Progress, Not Perfection said...

keep coming back... one day a time. Looking forward to hearing all about your new discoveries.

veganmama said...

Oh, boy, I've been there... I celebrated one year of sobriety on 09/26/08, and I remember those early days and all the fear and decisions and anxiety... all I can say is that if you make one decision that will change your life, let it be the one that makes up your mind to attend 90 meetings in the next 90 days. I *promise* it will change your life. And feel free to look in the archives of my blog, starting mid-September of 2007, to see what it was like for me in the beginning. Good luck, and I'm looking forward to reading your blog. Namaste.

Syd said...

Kyle, all those other people in the meeting understand and have been where you are or have been. I felt the same way walking into my first Al-Anon meeting but I was so glad that I did. I think that you'll be glad that you went to that first meeting too.