Short day at work today, so I decided I'd drive by the meeting hall to make sure where it was. There were two younger gentlemen outside smoking a cigarette. Then it occured to me, I'm going to tell a room of complete strangers that I'm an alcoholic, and that I have no self control. I'm scared stiff that people (random stranger) that I have never met, and that have never met me, will look down upon me for throwing in the towel. Ive always been uber self-conscious about what people think about me. I have EXRTEME agoraphobia. What that means is that I hate being in places where I don't feel 100% comfortable. It is an anxiety disorder, and they only way that I have coped with it in the past was to drink. Example: I love music and going to concerts, but anxiety sent is to the point where my chest tightest up to the point of pain, I sweat bullets, and start shaking. I immidietly go to the beer tent, drink a beer or 3, and then before I know it, Im buzzed enough to help me relax. I refuse to get on medication, and it has got better over the years with the "fight, not flight" meathod. But I know that as soon as I get anxious again, it is going to be extremly hard to not start drinking. That is just ONE of many excuses that I am worried about. Im still going to my first meeting tonight in hopes I can get help.
thanks for reading,